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Please, No!

November 30, 2010

I was walking through the lobby of my workplace this afternoon when a headline on CNN read “Scientists Partially Reverse Aging in Mice”.  It immediately annoyed me because I KNOW that the only kind of people who will do it are annoying people who no one wants to put up with for an extra 50 years. 

I want to go on record now and say that I hope they don’t figure it out before Joan Rivers dies because I bet she’d be the first to get in on this and, honestly, she’s one of the most annoying people I’ve ever laid eyes and ears on.  Someone with a face and voice like that has NO business being on TV let alone critiquing anyone else. 

I mean, REALLY??  Do you wanna see this any longer than necessary?

Wait…IS she 150 already?   It DOES feel like she’s been around forever.  Hmmm…


Here We Go Again

October 3, 2010

I’ve already blogged about this product so I’m not going to go on and on BUT are we really supposed to be taking this seriously?  The grunting and faces are necessary??  REALLY?  Because I honestly laughed through the entire thing.

Also, Shake Weight for men??  How is it different than the one for women?  This could probably be answered on the Shake Weight for Men website but I don’t care enough to look.  Or I’m too lazy.  I assume dynamic inertia is the same for men and women.   That’s my story and I’ll stick with it.

Craigslist Conversations

September 28, 2010

First of all – Warning.  There is a pretty disgusting pic below.

A friend of a friend recently posted some fake “Missed Connections” on Craigslist.  Naturally, I couldn’t resist picking one and responding.  He eventually found out it was me messing with him but was a good sport and continued going back and forth with me.  I felt compelled to share our wit with all of you.

The ad read as such:

you threw up on my shoes at wegmans – m4w – 27 (Warrington)

Date: 2010-09-26, 9:51PM EDT

You were the woman who threw up on my shoes. I was the man whose shoes you threw up on.

When I saw you walking towards me I hoped that there would be something special between us, perhaps love in aisle 6. You had a strange look on your face that I found oddly attractive, but discovered tragically too late that meant you weren’t feeling well. When you wiped off your mouth and said you were sorry, it was like an angelic chorus was singing in my head.

I’d love to get a chance to know you more personally, or perhaps less personally, given the circumstances under which we met.

I immediately hopped on my computer and typed up a response and this is the resulting conversation:

Date: Mon, 27 Sep 2010 23:14:46 -0400
Subject: RE: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans
Ally Bang Bang

Oh, god, I was so embarassed!  I’m so sorry!  I hope it came out of your shoes.  I was shopping for spotted dick pudding when my friend sent me the attached weight lifting image to my phone.

(Photo removed due to the fact that it’s absolutely revolting!)

Needless to say…I lost it.  Tossed my cookies all over your gorgeous feet.  I hope you can forgive me.  It’s harder to feel me up than it is to make me vomit but I’d love it if you tried.  😉

From: Dude
Date: Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 12:14 AM
Subject: RE: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏
To: Ally Bang Bang

Yes, it did come out of my shoes, that is the one upside to wearing crocks.  Of course the glaring downside in this case is have chunks of regurgitated food between your toes.  And also you are wearing crocks.  But thankfully you were only shopping for spotted dick and hadn’t already eaten it, because I know from experience, there is nothing worse that having your feet covered in someone else’s dick.

And I think we are way passed the point of feeling up, these little piggies have already felt whats inside of you.

From: Ally Bang Bang
Date: Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 10:51 AM
Subject: Re: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏
To: Dude

I suppose you are right.  That dick was pretty deep inside me.  I can assure you though, having it in your mouth is way better than when it’s covering your feet.

I’m so sorry about your crocs but I’m glad it cleaned up easily.  I’m surprised yours were pink and not a more manly shade of teal or something.  That’s ok, I like a confident man.  I myself have several pairs but really only wear the orange ones with the disney and winnie the pooh snap thingies that attach to the holes.  They are my favorite.  Maybe you should get some too, I’d hate to see you continually penetrated against your will!  In fact, because I feel so bad for my mistakes, I will give you my Dora ones, if you like.  Anyway, I’m glad it didn’t splatter on the skirt you were wearing that day.  I mean, if we learned one thing from the Clinton scandal it’s how hard it is to get dick juice out of silk.

From: Dude
Date: Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 11:22 AM
Subject: Re: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏
Ally Bang Bang

Yes, well, in my defense, it was laundry day and I had just gotten back from the dry cleaners with what should have been a bunch of clean pairs of pants, but to my surprise they had given me someone else’s clothes.  So since you aren’t allowed to shop for groceries in your tighty whiteys, something about the children at the grocery store, I had to wear the only clean clothes I had.  But I think it was providence that the skirt fit and part of me does have to admit that my ass looked fantastic in it.  So I said to myself, “if I am going to wear this skirt, I am going to try my damnedest to properly accessorize.”  I am not certain where those pink crocks came from, but I thought they went pretty well with my skirt.  Did I have to wear the bra and panties?  Probably not, but one thing that I did learn from this experience is that women’s underpants is the way to go!

From: Ally Bang Bang
Date: Tue, Sep 28, 2010 at 2:06 PM
Subject: Re: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏
To: Dude

Well, as far as your question regarding proper bra and panty etiquette:No, you didn’t have to wear them.  Even for women bras and panties are optional but I have to agree – they do feel nice.  Sometimes I even wear 2 of each at once.  I’ll leave you with that tasty image to chew on with some spotted dick.

From: Dude
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 1:26 AM
Subject: Re: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏
To: Ally Bang Bang

The store was out of spotted dick, so I bought some little wieners and sat down to imagine you wearing multiple sets of underwear.  And every time I seem to end up in this russian doll underpants scenario where you are wearing like massive granny panties over regular underwear over a thong and then a corset over a bra over nipple pasties.  Did I get it right?  What do I win?  Is it a living room set?  What kind of prize is that?  Is this the Price is Right?  Also that corset and granny panties look doesn’t really suite you, nor does it really flow stylistically.  You should consider something more contemporary.

From: Ally Bang Bang
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 3:06 PM
Subject: Re: you threw up on my shoes at wegmans‏

It’s almost impressive how well you know me after one brief, vomit inducing meeting.  You almost have it right.  Usually I wear the granny panties and then the thong on TOP of it.  Some may think that it’s uncomfortable but I enjoy it.  Sort of like 80’s workout gear except it’s underwear and no one can see it.  Regarding the corset, I gave those up last year after an unfortunate incident involving a parrot and a bowling ball.  Long story.

As far as winning, well, you won’t win an all expenses paid trip to the Croc’s factory.  Bummer, I know.  You will, however, win a random assortment of things around my house that I no longer want such as a half used candle, a ball pump (that’s right), and some stale buns…I mean hamburger rolls.  Who knows what else will be included.  I’d like it to be a surprise if possible.

And for those wondering – Spotted Dick Pudding is real.  I saw it at Superfresh.

Oh, Commercials. You slay me!

September 28, 2010

I was sick this weekend which meant I spent some extended time in front of the TV. 

This same commercial kept coming on and I vascillated between annoyed and amused.

Watch it first and I’ll comment after and please try to ignore the annoying sounds dubbed over the commercial.  Sorry, it was the best version of this shit show that I could find:

First of all, I like that he makes it clear that size isn’t the issue.  I’m not sure what’s worse – a size issue or not performing well with whatever size you are?  Clearly, he is of the belief that size is worse.

I love the look on his wife’s face.  Like she’s torn between wanting to shove a pill in his mouth to shut him up or wanting to announce their divorce.  I mean, her smile is seriously fake.  Unless that’s just the smile she has when the “spark” is back.  In that case, I wanna see what she looks like with no spark!  I’m guessing these are actors?  It’s so bad.  Cheesy and not convincing at all.  I never thought I’d say something like this but, I keep waiting for Bob Dole to walk through the backround with a raging boner.  Something.  Anything to put the spark back into this TV spot.  Yikes.

Once I had seen this and made a joke about it on Twitter, someone alerted me to a similar ad.  It’s called – get this – Rock Hard Weekend!  Classic!  Check it out:

Now THAT is how you market ED drugs!!  I like the use of the names Dick and Wang.  Also, the sexy british librarian and the fruit bowl are nice touches.  No good looking guys in the spot though.  Women always get the shaft!  Pun intended!  Anyway, if you’re gonna make a commercial about Erectile Dysfunction – this is the better way to go.  You hearing me big pharma (or whoever makes this useless made for tv crap)?? 

Class dismissed.

Wordless Wednesday

September 9, 2010

I’m copping out here, I know.  I’ve just been crazy busy lately!  Hopefully fall will bring some spare time for fun blogging!!

Anyway, I wish I was here:

Or here:

Or here:

Or here:

Drinking this:


some important videos

August 24, 2010

I needed a laugh today and these did it.  Here there are in order from funny to funniest.

Look guys, there’s no shame in needing one.  Gravity can be evil.

There is NOTHING funny about rape.  NOTHING.  But…there is something funny about this guy….

and of course, the remix…

I’m still not even convinced that that’s a real video.  It has to be a joke?

With Every Goodbye, You Learn

August 17, 2010

Often recently I have been reminded of how precious our time here really is.  Not that I ever really forget, trust me.  One day changed my life enough that I never forget but I think you get my point.

I don’t know who wrote this poem or even how I first came to read it but I DO know that it has always had a profound effect on me.  I love it and I read it often.  It helps me through times of sadness and loss and encourages me through good times also.

“After a while, you learn the subtle difference

And between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all of your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn

And learn…

With every goodbye, you learn.”

Sorry for the sad post today.  I thought the poem may be a comfort to others and wanted to share.  Like I said, it’s one I always seem to go back to.