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Dance Parties, Charlie Brown and Friends

December 5, 2012

I have emerged from a very lazy blogging spell with this – the BEST impersonation of the Peanuts crew that I have EVER seen done by drunk people!

I can’t stop laughing!

The editing, the dancing…it all works for me! What do you think?

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A rant

February 28, 2011

Sorry, I just have to vent for a minute.

Madonna gets on my nerves.  Eighties Madge was awesome but I lost interest shortly after Erotica and haven’t been able to like her since.  As if she wasn’t bad enough, she’s always galavanting about with her caterpillar eyebrowed daughter, Lourdes.

I mean…REALLY??!?  Lourdes – WAX THOSE EYEBROWS and try not to look as cheap and desperate as your mother usually does.

Ok, sorry about that.  I’m done now.

Guest Post: A Date With A Jedi

February 24, 2011

This time around, I’m handing over the reigns to one of my oldest and dearest friends.  Karen and I went to High School/College together and used to be roomies.  Needless to say, we have been sharing dating stories since we were 16.  We have tons of stories we could share about dating AND online dating but THIS story…this story is good.  Here, I’ll let her tell it and you can comment below.

“It’s odd enough when your life comes to a point when online dating sites are your best course to meeting a potential companion. I mean, when you’re perpetually busy and tired of meeting guys in bars (because that’s generally so successful…”you’re an alcoholic?, me too! what are the chances?!”), where else do you go?  Unfortunately it gets even weirder in some cases…like this one.

I start talking to this seemingly sweet, intelligent, reasonably “normal” guy on eHarmony. He’s a freelance graphic designer in my area…and pretty cute. So, I agree to meet for coffee in my neighborhood. (Ahem, I should mention I didn’t pick up red flag no. 1 when he said he’d stopped drinking…sorry, but if you can’t enjoy a cocktail here and there I probably don’t have business with you anyway!…just being honest.)  Anyway, I digress.  So I meet said guy at Cosi and our initial conversation is going swimmingly.  He’s got a wicked sense of humor and the conversation is effortless, zero uncomfortable silences.  So I ask him what the pictures on his Facebook with the kids were from (yes, we idiotically friended each other). They were all in costume and playing with swords. I thought it was cute and maybe a youth group he volunteered or worked with or something. Oh boy…was I wrong.

He drops the bomb I thought we’d skipped over…”Oh, I’m a Jedi.”  looooooooooooong pause.

me: “I’m sorry…what?”

him: “That’s what I do. I’m a Jedi.”

me: “HAHA! I’m sorry…what?”

him: “I’m a PA Jedi. We’re in 15 states right now and growing.”

me: “I think I need you to explain.”

him: “We train and get hired to perform places like baseball games. We also do impromptu performances and film them in random places.”

me: “I thought you did graphic design.”

him: “Yeah…I used to. But this is what I love. I do it all of the time.”

me: “Do you get paid for all of it?”

him: “No, most of it is volunteer.”

me: “Ok.”

Then I kind of dropped it….because I honestly didn’t know how to react to this information without being rude. So I decided it was time to go, obviously!

Here’s the kicker, he was parked right next to me. Now he’s excited because he’s taken my lack of reaction as acceptance apparently. First he asked if he could kiss me..I said that wouldn’t be a good idea. Then he insists I play with one of the 3 light sabers he keeps in his car!!! If only that meant

something different.  But no, he had light sabers in his car and wanted me to swing one around. Come one…I’m in my ‘hood and people I know are in the coffee shop…couldn’t be more awkward…  So I give a weak little obligatory swing and the damn thing makes noises and lights up! Ugh.

So his profile mentioned nothing of the Jedi fascination; the pictures are all pretty expected; and all of our prior conversation pointed toward him being average (sans the no drinking). Shame on me for not taking a closer look at the very obvious FB page. SO what did I learn from this…who the hell knows? There’s weirdos everywhere…be skeptical

whether you’re in that bar or not! Hahahahaha 🙂


How awesome is that story?  I’m sure he is a very nice guy but this one definitely made me giggle.  I wish I could have been there for the “Do you wanna hold my light saber” part.  You all know I love a good penis reference. As someone who has barely seen the first Star Wars movie (and wasn’t very entertained), I clearly don’t appreciate the weight of that offer.  It’s not you, it’s us, Jedi Man.

Weekend at Shannons!

February 2, 2011

I don’t know if this is going to be as funny to everyone else as it was to us, but, here goes…

My friends and I always joke that we’re going to do a Weekend at Bernies type thing with whichever one of us dies first.  Actually, I have this joke with two of my friends but somehow Shannon ended up being our potential dead body this week.  You see, Shannon is trying eHarmony and she had a date on Friday night.  The last that my friend, Carolyn, and I had heard from Shannon was that she would text if she needed an emergency call during the date and/or if she thought the date was a potential murderer.  A gal can never be too careful. 

After a few attempts at contact, Carolyn became concerned when Shannon didn’t reply and this is the email string that resulted from that “concern” today. 

Carolyn:

Dear Alice,
Do you know if Shannon is alive or if her harmony date killed her on friday?  WTF, I texted her friday to ask her what car she drove and give her a fake-text if she needed it….no word back. Yesterday I email her to see if she was alive b/c I realized I never heard back and it would be awkward if she were dead and I had never thought “hm, she never responded to me and yet I didn’t think she was being murdered.” Yeah, so no word back from the email either.
 
And I’m just saying Alice, if she’s gone from this world, you and I have some hi-jinx with her corpse to pursue and we need to get to her place asap before somebody else does, right?!?!
 
OH! Oh hi Shannon, did I copy you here? oops! Well obviously I way prefer you to be alive and not be able to stuff your body and sit you in the corner of the living room and decorate you with each holiday of the month. hahaha, Oh we MUCH prefer you alive….Alice, if she’s dead, call me.

Me (Alice):

Haha. If she’s dead I’ll be over with the body asap.  I know exactly what outfit to put on her first.  Haha
But she did post on Facebook so its likely she’s ignoring you.  Unless the killer is the one who posted on Facebook in order to make everyone think she was alive and just ignoring them.  If he’s doing that you’d think he’d respond to her texts too.  How rude.
Anyway yeah I hope she’s alive too but if not….  WEEKEND AT SHANNONS!!!!!  WOOP!!  LOL

Carolyn:

Alice, I think it’s the killer who posted on FB b/c he obviously stole her phone and doesn’t have access to her email here to respond, wouldn’t you agree? Plus the wine pic “she” posted last night was of one that I found relatively gross when I bought it once…that may have actually killed her….
 
Hm, regardless I think we’re in agreement that she’s dead in which case I will mourn for a moment before picking out some “decorations”  for her remains….

Me:

I’m still gonna file her taxes and just put my account number in the direct deposit info.  I mean, someone should get that money.  May as well be me.

Tonight was cancelled so let me know if you wanna go to her house together tonight to collect her remains.  I’ll bring my knife just in case the killer is still there. 

PS – hope he just scared her to death or something.  Taking her out with stab wounds is gonna be hard to explain.

PPS – Dear Officer(s), if Shannon really DOES turn up dead, it wasn’t us.  We can do this with any old dead body and don’t need to kill to make it a reality.  lol

Obviously, Carolyn and I have a lot of issues.  But Shannon doesn’t.  She is alive and well, in case you are wondering.

When $1 Beers Cost Too Much

January 26, 2011

Let it be known that I didn’t always sit on my couch behind a computer making fun of people.  I used to actually have a life.  No, it’s true.  Stop laughing.

Anyway, I used to work at the nearby chain drugstore and after work my friends and I would walk to the bar next door and spend the little money we made.  If I remember correctly, thursdays special was dollar bottles so we went with very little money and left with quite a buzz.

I’ve always been pretty sarcastic and I used to (ok, still do) love to mess with people.  You know, make up stories that were outlandish and convince them they were true.  Boyfriend in prison, almost victim of black market organ theft, etc.  The only requirements were that the stories had to be ridiculous and hilarious in retrospect.  Once I convinced a guy that I was 99% Irish and 1% African American with the only proof being this one really small, dark freckle on my clavicle.  He believed me a little too quickly which was a sure sign to me that this was going to be a great night.

Anyway, since I’m a quirky girl and I often end up in bizarre situations, I often felt (and still feel) like I had a sign on my head that said “If you are wierd, not my age, creepy, or just all around shady – COME TALK TO ME”.   This one particular night of dollar bottle bliss paired me with two older men.  I’m guessing they were late 30’s-early 40’s but, remember, at the time I was about 22.  I don’t consider that old now, but you know how it is.  Seventy isn’t old anymore when you’re 65, ya know?  So, this one guy was trying to play MY game by trying to convince me that he was a pharmacist.  He didn’t know that I had been a pharm tech for years an knew alot about legal drugs so I stumped him several times.  Once he realized that his schtick wasn’t working, he invited me to a party.  A “VIP Party” for just the two of us.   I know what you’re thinking.  “He sounds like a real smooth operator.  Why didn’t she go with him?”  Well, dear readers, here is one of the main reasons why.  When he popped on his jacket I saw that he was wearing this (except leather, not pleather):

I. Kid. You. Not.  So, I guess this time the joke was on me. 

Welp, I think we’re done here, don’t you?

The Golden Globes

January 25, 2011

I checked into the Golden Globes to see Ricky Gervais.  I love him.  He’s exactly how I like my men…chubby and a little silly.  Although, he used to be chubbier.  Anyway, that’s not what this is about.

Before I start picking on hideous outfits, let me say this:  Ricky. Was. Hilarious.  What wasn’t funny was the lack of hollywood sense of humor.  I really have little patience for addicts (for my own reasons), so, I’m not even going to start in on Robert Downey Jr.  All I will say is that he needs to get over himself.  The world doesn’t have to tiptoe around him now just because he stopped boozing and drugging.  We all make our own decisions.  He chose to be  a mess.  I choose to laugh about it.  Aw, damn, see?  I got started.  Ok, enough.

This is a red hot mess and I’ve been thinking about it for a week which is what brought me here.  I can’t stand Helena Bonham Carter.  She has the WORST fashion sense.  Maybe on purpose?  If it’s a joke, I definitely don’t get it.  And why does she ALWAYS look so bored?  Like her life is so uneventful and snoozeworthy.  You know she’s serving spider stew at her house and murdering neighbors that come by for a cup of sugar. 

Quite frankly this is bad enough.  I’m not even going to pick on anyone else.  It’s late and I’m tired.

I wanted to end on a positive note but there wasn’t really any one dress that I L-O-V-E-D soooo…I’ll leave you with this.

I like Tequila parties too!

December 1, 2010

Oh, but the IRISH are the drunks, right??  Sounds like someone else is hitting the sauce these days.

Tequila Party

This is what I’ll be wearing to the party.  What do you mean “it’s not that kind of party”?